My Self Realization

Escrito por Prophet

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Lately I’ve been feeling a little blue. Taking Psychology has really opened up my eyes to the real world and how people, no matter how much they say they aren’t, are always labeled. People who think they are so unique, so very common to someone right next to them even though they might not know it. I’ve done some soul searching, and after reading Psychology, I am coming to terms with my personality and my place in society.  This is what I have learned:

I don’t care. I don’t care hardly about anything. My empathy level for almost all things is set to zero. The only thing that I seem to care about is my family. Not extended family, just my own. When I say my own, I don’t even mean all of my own family. I mean just my mom’s side of the family, and the occasional other people who touch me through out my life. There are certain friends who will always have a place in my heart, and sad as it is, the two people who ring last on my family bell is my father and step-mother. They could have their limbs severed and I don’t even think I would bat an eye.

I hate almost everything. It’s true. Hate is an awful world, and despite this fact, the only thing my world revolves around is the hatred I have built up in my heart. My husband points out to me when I am in my hate moods and he doesn’t understand why I hate everything. I know some of it is just how I was raised. I wasn’t raised to hate, but I think I grew up in an environment where I was taught that you are “better” than other people for no reason. We weren’t rich, we weren’t nice, we weren’t anybodies. So where does the real hatred lie that I have so deep in my heart?

Dad. Dad, or at least mine, is an awful person. The way he was to us, and the way he treated us, has made me a hateful person. I’m angry. I’m upset. The angriness doesn’t seem to subside, because of this I get upset. When I’m upset, I hate. Since I seem to always be upset, I’m always hating. It’s a vicious circle that I have not been able to escape. Until I can heal my heart of the abuse, hurt and guilt I feel, I don’t think I will be a happy, caring person. The only way to let some of this go, is to forgive. I know this is the first step, but I am not ready to forgive. My body just wont let me.

I’m not saying that I do not have the capacity for love, because I do. There are a few people that I love more than life itself, and this love comes naturally not forced. I’m not saying that I’m not a nice person or that I’m not pleasant. The person people see on the outside would be shocked at the things that happen on the inside. My emotions are a roller coaster and my mood swings are vicious. Some of the thoughts that cross my mind, even sometimes startle myself.

All these things I have realized about myself. I know now that this is not the person I want to be. I don’t want to feel this heavy heart and burden I carry on myself everyday. I don’t want to feel angry and mean all the time. I want to be that “really nice girl” or the girl everyone wants to be around because she’s so pleasant. I want to have a chipper voice instead of the grouchy, low voice. I just want to feel free of all these sad memories that consume my mind everyday.

Dad, I don’t forgive you right now. I don’t know when I will, but there is still hope for me. You haven’t ruined my life yet. I do believe in Karma and Karma punishes the evil. One day, you will get your just desserts. I’m hoping one day you will come to realize how wrong you have been your whole life to treat us all the way you have. You have made a mess of your children and one day you will be all alone because no-one loves you. Even though there is a lot of saddness in my heart, the thought of you being alone and miserable makes me happy. That would be your Karma.

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